Choosing whether or not to start a family is one of the biggest decisions a couple will make in their lives. But when a woman can’t naturally conceive, sometimes adoption or surrogacy is her only chance at parenthood.
When a surrogate carrying a couple’s child started to assume wifely and motherly roles, the wife put her foot down and said to respect her role as a surrogate. The wife is now wondering if she’s at fault after the surrogate, her mother, and even her own husband sided against her.
Starting A Family
User ThrowawayAlt345 recently shared her story to Reddit about her budding, soon-to-be family of three looking more like an unwelcomed family of four.
She explains that she and her husband have been together for five years. They wanted children, but due to health problems, they couldn't conceive. The pair then decides to opt for surrogacy instead, and a friend nominates her 29-year-old sister Brittany, with whom the couple was already friendly. The wife explains that Brittany was a single mother, but her son died at the age of four. Despite this, she believes Brittany to be in good physical and mental health.
The Surrogacy Agreement
The wife and her husband discuss with Brittany payment, short and long-term plans, counseling, and doctor appointments. They explore their options and then choose a private clinic to have the procedure done.
She explains that she and her husband are paying in full for the cost of the surrogacy, but did not have a legal contract drawn up because her friend “said there was no need for us to do that and basically talked us out of it since we are considered family.”
Things Begin To Escalate
From the moment Brittany’s pregnancy test turned up positive, the wife says that’s when her behavior started to become erratic.
“She only told my husband though she had both our numbers...she only sent my husband a pic of the test while he was at work and sent me nothing when I gave her my personal contact info but it was okay. Things got complicated when Brittany started having access to our credit cards for her own wants and claim they were the baby's needs.”
A Mother-To-Be’s Experience
The wife says that Brittany excludes her from doctor’s visits and that only her husband is allowed to attend. Brittany’s excuse is that the husband drives and since the wife works, she is “unavailable” most of the time.
“I felt isolated from this experience but said nothing knowing she's bearing a lot of [burdens] so I had patience. My husband had no idea what was going on and if this was normal. This was new to us so we didn't know.”
The Boiling Point
Brittany is seven months pregnant and with her mother in attendance, she requests to see the husband and wife so they could discuss several things regarding the pregnancy (things that the wife had thought were previously decided upon). Brittany then hands her a list of demands.
“She requested she gets say in things like baby name after I ‘deleted’ the list of names she sent to my husband. She wanted more access to my husband's credit cards/free time to get stuff done at her place. Also, more time with the baby than agreed on.”
You’re Not The Wife
Things reach a breaking point when Brittany says that only the husband gets to be in the delivery room during the birth. Furious, the wife stands up and firmly states that she is rejecting Brittany’s terms and that “she had to stop acting like she was my husband's wife and this was their baby.”
Until now the husband had kept quiet, but after Brittany begins crying he tells his wife to sit down but she refuses, saying that she had boundaries and that Brittany needs to be reminded of her role and how she’d grossly overstepped.
Who Is Wrong Here?
Infuriated, Brittany’s mother lashes out at the wife and calls her selfish and ungrateful, and then accuses her of mistreating her daughter when “she put herself mentally and physically through the most selfless act for us, to make us a family.”
The wife is then told to apologize for what she’s said, but refuses. She asks Reddit, “Am I the [jerk]?”
Lawyer Up
This thread was one of the few times where—even though everyone had a strong opinion—an official consensus could not be reached because there was “not enough info.”
While a few users hope this is a troll post, many are empathetic to the wife’s precarious situation. But they criticize her for not better researching the surrogacy process or drawing up a legal contract. Because no contract is in play, some users say that for her protection, she better lawyer up.
Brittany As A Surrogate
Many users are sympathetic to Brittany having lost her four-year-old son. But they question how a reputable fertility clinic would allow a bereaved mother to be a surrogate in the first place. Other users are less forgiving.
“It looks to me that this friend saw how her sister was depressed after losing her baby and there was probably no father in the picture to try again or money to go through IVF on her own so they saw this as their chance to have a baby,” writes one user.
Who’s The Mother?
A few users take it a step further and wonder if it is the wife's egg that was used for the procedure or if it is actually Brittany’s. Other’s turn their attention to the husband and speculate this could be an elaborate ploy to cover up a potential affair. All users convey what a mess of a situation this is and that deep down, they don’t see a happy ending for the wife.
“I think he's got feelings for this other woman and OP is going to end up with no baby, and no husband,” writes one user.