There is a difference between white lies and pathological lying. The difference is in the intention and the complexity of the lies. Sometimes, we tell lies to protect people, but others lie to control and manipulate.
Although neither one is necessarily okay, if you can recognize when you're being lied to, you'll be able to control the outcome. Here's how.
They Stutter In Sentence Fragments
A liar will find themselves rambling on in sentence fragments that don't usually add up. This is due to the uncertainty they feel as they struggle to find the right words and the right pieces of information that they can fit together to make a puzzle of lies that might make sense.
They're Always "The Hero" Of The Story
A liar will never make themselves look bad. They will either make it look like everything and everyone is against them and play the victim or the underdog, or they will jump straight into portraying themselves as the hero. They will never admit they're at fault.
They Use Hand Gestures AFTER They Speak
There is a difference if they use hand gestures before or after they speak. Some studies show that if it's after, it's due to the mind doing too many things, such as making up the lies and figuring out if you believe them. This extra mental effort delays the gestures.
They Repeat The Questions Before Answering
If they repeat the questions you're asking them right after you ask, it's basically a way of deflection. They're using the extra time to think of what they could possibly say to you next. If it was they say is true, they wouldn't need so much time to think about it.
They Seem Indifferent
It's better for a liar to show no emotion at all than show the wrong emotions, like stress or uncertainty. If they shrug a lot, don't show any facial expressions, or even have a bored posture, then they're likely attempting to show as little emotion as possible.
They Hide Their Eyes Or Their Mouths
A liar will subconsciously hide their mouth or eyes when she's being untruthful as a way to literally cover up their lie. It's a way of shielding themselves against your reaction and what they're saying. This applies when they close their eyes while answering, too.
They Get Super Defensive
This might be one of the most obvious ways to tell when someone is lying to you. They feel caught and automatically go into panic mode. Their instinct is to play innocent, hoping that the problem will just go away, especially if they were unprepared with their lies.
They Lean Away From You
Some studies show that people who lie unconsciously lean away from the person they're lying to. This is a way of creating psychological distance through physical distance. Maybe if they're far away, you won't pick up on their body language, tone, or expression.
They Tell You You're Crazy
Another way of deflecting during a lie is to turn the tables on you so that you get defensive and feel like it's all in your head. A liar will try to convince you that you're the problem, not them, even getting you to apologize instead.
Their Breathing Gets Heavier
Studies show this is a reflex action. Basically, they're out of breath because their heart rate and blood flow are changing. That happens when you're nervous and tense, which also happens when someone is lying.
They're Vague On Details
If a story is based on lies, it naturally won't have substance. The liar will avoid giving details because he doesn't want to have to remember them all and refer back to them. It's a way of keeping the lie less complicated and avoiding slip-ups.
You'll find them trying to change the conversation instead.
They Overly Complicate An Answer
Talking too much is also a bad sign. It's a way of covering the lies. In a way, they're overloading you with information to get you lost in it, and so it seems like there is too much detail for it not to be believable.
It could also be because they're getting lost within their own lie. With so many details provided, it should be easy to catch them in an inconsistency if you ask questions.
They Switch To More "Formal" Language
More formal language is usually more calculated. When lying, they're trying to be so careful with what they say that they end using fewer contractions. Some studies call this verbal dodging, and explain it as a way of distancing words from each other.
As if saying "I did not do this" instead of "I didn't" makes it more trustworthy.
They Make A Sudden Head Movement
A liar tends to make sudden head movements when you ask them a direct question and they're expected to respond.
"The head will be retracted or jerked back, bowed down, or cocked or tilted to the side," says Glass. Dr. Lillian Glass, a behavioral analyst.
Ask Them To Tell The Story In Reverse
It's hard enough to lie about a story when going in chronological order, so imagine going in reverse. If the facts are made up, they will likely slip and it won't add up. This is a good way to confront them and catch them right in the act.
Assume They're Guilty Until Proven Innocent
The rule of law does not apply here. A recent study showed that by questioning with guilty presumptions, you could uncover a lie 97.8% of the time. This is compared to a 50% strike rate when you assume they're innocent. Just make sure you have reasonable ground to suspect they're lying.
Don't Lose Your Temper
It's easy to get frustrated when you know someone is lying straight to your face and they won't admit to it.
Assume that they're going to deny it beforehand so that you're prepared. Ask them calmly and wait for their answer patiently. This might work in making them feel safer about coming clean.
Remember They're The Problem, Not You
Don't personalize the fact that someone you care about is lying to you. It's not because you're easy to take advantage of or naive, which are common misconceptions. A lot of the time, the person may be driven by an underlying personality disorder, anxiety, or low self-esteem.
Avoid Engaging Their Lies
Try to avoid leaning on their story just to see them slip up or because you already have proof and are just curious about what they'll say. Instead, present to them from the get-go what you know and think, and see how they respond to it.
Trust Your Instincts
At the end of the day, the sign you should look out for most is whatever your gut is telling you. Trust it; it speaks to you for a reason. If you feel like someone is lying to you, act on it and confront them. Either it'll reassure you or it'll prove you right.